I lost a friend due to my racism...

Well its day 22 of 2012 in a bitter cold snow storm that hit us Friday afternoon. I have begun my usual Sunday morning routine, I get up around 530am take Harley out, turn on my smooth jazz, get coffee, make cinnamon toast and etc... These past few Sundays have been extremely hard emotionally to endure. I have really come to the realization that I still dont have the race card
completely figured out, and I learned from a very good friend well name "john". I thought I was not racist, and yet I claim not to have a racism bone in my body, but yet sometimes I tend to think other wise. He honestly opened my eyes to the realization that I don't always practice
what I preach. I really enjoy my younger friends, because they keep me on my toes, but they
arent scared to say "randall you are way out of line here...back up and lets start over" So
Im trying to do that with this new year.

I grew up a listener, an observer...a human observationist is what my best friend birthday book says that I am. I want to put a 3rd word behind a"human observationist activist". I have been actively seeking wise counsel for the last 6-months to a year and I belive the people purposely
put in my life was my no mistake. Every day before I get up or in the morning I pray to God that
He will put someone Im suppose to learn something from and I pray it from comes from any possible ethnic group I could learn from that day.

Last year was a hard year when I lost what I thought was a really good committed younger friend who in the past I could completely rely on like a younger brother who had my back. This kid is kinda like all my other younger well educated but real with their words in backing up what they say. Im not going to lie, with last year being the 2nd worst year of my life, obviously excluding my moms passing year, it was a literal survival of the fitest. I pray that even though Im sure I will never get his awesome friendship back, (i do hope I get my tennis racket back though..lol) I hope the next meanful friendship allows the opportunity to let my ears be more open, but my heart will convict more of my actions into real life opportunities to learn and grow from. If I ever return home from eating out, and I bring the lef tovers home with me, I know I could of gave someone a bite who was hungry, the couple dollars I have in my wallet, I can go get double cheese burgers and handout on the way home. We use to do that after hour night shifts at PB and it honestly felt good. The next time I tell a story, I will not include anytype of sterotype as to a certain reference when it is absoluetly not needed-thx jt. Lastly since I have moved to Chicago I have only had a 95% non white roommate situation other than the last. I pray that all nationalties will continue to feel comfortable enough when they meet me to recognize and sense that I really love all people equally, want to hear there story and learn and grow from them into being-a more non judgemental friend.

a good start to a new year...2012

I have decided to make 2012 a year of me. I am going to Celebrate my life, my amazing clay pot is not so dried up. I'm still ply able, and am always seeking to now really concentrate on focusing on Randall this year by soaking up the people that I pray God will put purposefully onto my path of life to learn from, grow with and share community.

Week one has been good. I worked a full 4o hour week. I spent a lot of time listening to good music, planning out this year, working on my meal plan and started implementing it into my
life. I think that I'm gonna have to cut away some people who I thought were my friends and I really honestly see no contributing factor on their side. Sorry but I'm moving on.

A year ago I would not be on this computer, life was horrible at the first week of 2011.
Christmas day of 2011 I decided its gonna be my best year ever...it was my worst.
I will no longer entertain the thought that you could be more of a buddy to me when
people will take advantage of good hearted person right behind their back.

This year, I have gotten up before my alarm clock, fixed breakfast before my work, (which is not ever happened). So just the last two days Ive had 2 people ask me," So why are you so happy, Cheery, and so up & ready to go at 5am?" My immediate answer was "I'm alive, I have hope, and I have over come one hell of battle to see the light of day in 2012." I'm blessed by God"
And then my customer said, "well I guess you just took care of me not having to go to church after that. I'm def glad your alive and serving me my coffee. I look forward to you specifically make my day better." Literally my breathe gasped as I thanked him w/tearful eyes. In my mind I realize Ive overcome alot. That customer made my day. I thought to mysef all the tears, doctor visits, medications I take, hard ache this world deals me....it was worth it, it was so worth it. The best part about that...I couldn't of done it with out my friends who are my true family.
I honestly did not dream I would see 2012. I never thought I would make this far after the road I have traveled down these past 4 years. This last past year was my rock bottom and now I'm climbing, striving, and surviving.