Well its day 22 of 2012 in a bitter cold snow storm that hit us Friday afternoon. I have begun my usual Sunday morning routine, I get up around 530am take Harley out, turn on my smooth jazz, get coffee, make cinnamon toast and etc... These past few Sundays have been extremely hard emotionally to endure. I have really come to the realization that I still dont have the race card
completely figured out, and I learned from a very good friend well name "john". I thought I was not racist, and yet I claim not to have a racism bone in my body, but yet sometimes I tend to think other wise. He honestly opened my eyes to the realization that I don't always practice
what I preach. I really enjoy my younger friends, because they keep me on my toes, but they
arent scared to say "randall you are way out of line here...back up and lets start over" So
Im trying to do that with this new year.
I grew up a listener, an observer...a human observationist is what my best friend birthday book says that I am. I want to put a 3rd word behind a"human observationist activist". I have been actively seeking wise counsel for the last 6-months to a year and I belive the people purposely
put in my life was my no mistake. Every day before I get up or in the morning I pray to God that
He will put someone Im suppose to learn something from and I pray it from comes from any possible ethnic group I could learn from that day.
Last year was a hard year when I lost what I thought was a really good committed younger friend who in the past I could completely rely on like a younger brother who had my back. This kid is kinda like all my other younger well educated but real with their words in backing up what they say. Im not going to lie, with last year being the 2nd worst year of my life, obviously excluding my moms passing year, it was a literal survival of the fitest. I pray that even though Im sure I will never get his awesome friendship back, (i do hope I get my tennis racket back though..lol) I hope the next meanful friendship allows the opportunity to let my ears be more open, but my heart will convict more of my actions into real life opportunities to learn and grow from. If I ever return home from eating out, and I bring the lef tovers home with me, I know I could of gave someone a bite who was hungry, the couple dollars I have in my wallet, I can go get double cheese burgers and handout on the way home. We use to do that after hour night shifts at PB and it honestly felt good. The next time I tell a story, I will not include anytype of sterotype as to a certain reference when it is absoluetly not needed-thx jt. Lastly since I have moved to Chicago I have only had a 95% non white roommate situation other than the last. I pray that all nationalties will continue to feel comfortable enough when they meet me to recognize and sense that I really love all people equally, want to hear there story and learn and grow from them into being-a more non judgemental friend.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, January 08, 2012
a good start to a new year...2012
I have decided to make 2012 a year of me. I am going to Celebrate my life, my amazing clay pot is not so dried up. I'm still ply able, and am always seeking to now really concentrate on focusing on Randall this year by soaking up the people that I pray God will put purposefully onto my path of life to learn from, grow with and share community.
Week one has been good. I worked a full 4o hour week. I spent a lot of time listening to good music, planning out this year, working on my meal plan and started implementing it into my
life. I think that I'm gonna have to cut away some people who I thought were my friends and I really honestly see no contributing factor on their side. Sorry but I'm moving on.
A year ago I would not be on this computer, life was horrible at the first week of 2011.
Christmas day of 2011 I decided its gonna be my best year ever...it was my worst.
I will no longer entertain the thought that you could be more of a buddy to me when
people will take advantage of good hearted person right behind their back.
This year, I have gotten up before my alarm clock, fixed breakfast before my work, (which is not ever happened). So just the last two days Ive had 2 people ask me," So why are you so happy, Cheery, and so up & ready to go at 5am?" My immediate answer was "I'm alive, I have hope, and I have over come one hell of battle to see the light of day in 2012." I'm blessed by God"
And then my customer said, "well I guess you just took care of me not having to go to church after that. I'm def glad your alive and serving me my coffee. I look forward to you specifically make my day better." Literally my breathe gasped as I thanked him w/tearful eyes. In my mind I realize Ive overcome alot. That customer made my day. I thought to mysef all the tears, doctor visits, medications I take, hard ache this world deals me....it was worth it, it was so worth it. The best part about that...I couldn't of done it with out my friends who are my true family.
I honestly did not dream I would see 2012. I never thought I would make this far after the road I have traveled down these past 4 years. This last past year was my rock bottom and now I'm climbing, striving, and surviving.
Week one has been good. I worked a full 4o hour week. I spent a lot of time listening to good music, planning out this year, working on my meal plan and started implementing it into my
life. I think that I'm gonna have to cut away some people who I thought were my friends and I really honestly see no contributing factor on their side. Sorry but I'm moving on.
A year ago I would not be on this computer, life was horrible at the first week of 2011.
Christmas day of 2011 I decided its gonna be my best year ever...it was my worst.
I will no longer entertain the thought that you could be more of a buddy to me when
people will take advantage of good hearted person right behind their back.
This year, I have gotten up before my alarm clock, fixed breakfast before my work, (which is not ever happened). So just the last two days Ive had 2 people ask me," So why are you so happy, Cheery, and so up & ready to go at 5am?" My immediate answer was "I'm alive, I have hope, and I have over come one hell of battle to see the light of day in 2012." I'm blessed by God"
And then my customer said, "well I guess you just took care of me not having to go to church after that. I'm def glad your alive and serving me my coffee. I look forward to you specifically make my day better." Literally my breathe gasped as I thanked him w/tearful eyes. In my mind I realize Ive overcome alot. That customer made my day. I thought to mysef all the tears, doctor visits, medications I take, hard ache this world deals me....it was worth it, it was so worth it. The best part about that...I couldn't of done it with out my friends who are my true family.
I honestly did not dream I would see 2012. I never thought I would make this far after the road I have traveled down these past 4 years. This last past year was my rock bottom and now I'm climbing, striving, and surviving.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
how do you prepare for death...
has been a spot on my mind for many months...but lately its been by the hour. One of my best friends sister is slowly running out of options in her battle with lung cance back at home and Im here. I cant
hug, cry with her, encourage the ones who needs encouraging...love them.
Im not sure how I could live knowing that a clock is slowly starting to begin to stop and might not start again. I hear her strength on the phone and that so ecourages me to keep fighting in my own battles.
hug, cry with her, encourage the ones who needs encouraging...love them.
Im not sure how I could live knowing that a clock is slowly starting to begin to stop and might not start again. I hear her strength on the phone and that so ecourages me to keep fighting in my own battles.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
So this is how "Christians" act in 2010???
I really have a problem with this article, as well with the supposed "evangelicals
behind this crap. I express crap.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/04/world/africa/04uganda.html
behind this crap. I express crap.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/04/world/africa/04uganda.html
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Don't Judge My Sexual Orientation, Please.
Hi, I’m straight. I just want to get that out there. There seems to be some confusion lately. Oh, not on my part, but by others. People are good at making assumptions about my sexual orientation. I’ve known I’ve been straight my whole life. Well, excluding two minutes in high school.
Let me give some background: My senior year of high school I decided to go to college to get a bachelor’s of musical theatre performance. I wanted to be an actor and perform in musicals for my life. I was pretty talented at it. Yet, the rumors at the time were that a lot of gay people did musicals. I didn’t really know any gays in high school. We assumed one kid was so we made fun of him-I painfully regret that. But on this particular day, I was walking down a staircase from a classroom on the third floor to the first; it took about two minutes. While walking down the stairs I started thinking, “Hmm, I wonder if I’ll be gay one day. Since most actors are gay, and I want to be an actor, does that mean I’ll just turn gay sometime?” I debated this down the stairs. Once I reached the bottom of the steps I had this realization: “Wait, no, I’m straight. I won’t be gay.” The end. I’ve been straight ever since.
And so I, as a straight male, worked in a business in which I was a minority. I didn’t mind it really. And through all these years a lot of people have judged my sexual orientation.
While working as an actor the mantra was, “gay until proven straight.” So few straight men in the business, you just assumed everyone was gay. I was fine with that.
When I would go to gay bars with my gay friends it was if I had a neon sign above my head that flashed “Straight! Straight!” I was fine with that.
Now that I am in seminary and seem to be in this weird Christian bubble, people think I’m gay. I not fine with this.
People judging my sexual orientation has never bothered me before. I don’t mind if people think I’m gay, it usually means they think I dress stylish. It’s a compliment. But lately, I have met people who think I’m gay for stupid reasons. And most of these people are Christians. It seems as if people think I’m gay because I dress nice, or because I wear pink, or have a purple wall in my apartment, or because I condition my hair and pluck my eyebrows, or I am comfortable hanging out in a gay bar, or prefer museums to sports. (I know, that does sounds a bit gay)
Since when do we judge a person’s sexual orientation by one’s choice of clothing, or by one’s choice of decorating, or by one’s vanity, or by one’s choice of nightlife? Seriously, why do we do this?
I am getting tired of these assumptions from Christians. Even Christian women I have dated in the last couple years have thought I have been gay prior to knowing me. I’m tired of people making ignorant assumptions based off of social constructs. I’m tired of these gender roles that say men spit, swear and don’t wash themselves or cry, that dirt under their nails and having no sense of fashion is a requirement for masculinity.
So I pluck my eyebrows. Does that make me gay? No, that makes me have really nice eyebrows, stupid. So I condition my hair. Does that make me gay? No, that means I have really nice locks, stupid. So I like purple as a wall color. Does that make me gay? No, that makes my apartment look real nice, stupid.
I really don’t care if you think I’m gay or not. I know I am straight. I know I am a man. My sexual orientation, whether gay or straight, does not make me less of one. Fixing my car and getting greasy or dancing in a ballet does not add or subtract to my masculinity. What you think about whom I sleep with or to whom I am attracted doesn’t matter to me at all. I’m sorry if you’re not secure enough about your own gender identity that you are confused by me, a straight male, who happens to be a little bit of a princess.
What bothers me are you ignorant Christians who make assumptions about my sexual orientation because you have yet to meet a man who is so secure in his identity. And not a gay or straight identity but strictly an identity. I’m sorry if that sounds vain and egotistical, but I’m that secure. Or as one of my friends puts it, “Real men know how to THINK. Any monkey can push, pull and hit things.” And I think, a lot.
Christian, do you really think I’m gay because I wear pink? Do you really think I’m gay because my apartment is clean and nicely decorated? Do you really think I’m gay because I don’t play sports? Do you really think plucking my eyebrows makes me gay? So I’m a bit vain, does that make you think I want to kiss other men? If so, I don’t get you! Maybe it’s because you don’t know any gay people? You need to get out of your Christian bubble and meet some people. Perhaps if some of you actually had a good friend who was gay you wouldn’t make such stupid assumptions.
I was in Thailand last week. Even a Thai woman thought I was gay. (I guess it’s worldwide) She said it was because I was afraid of spiders and didn’t have a girlfriend. So as a joke, a buddy of mine bought me a t-shirt that says, “Sorry ladies, I’m gay!” I am going to wear it.
But Nathan, you’re straight, why would you wear that, you ask? Because gender roles have to change. Because you shouldn’t be judging my sexual orientation by a t-shirt. Because I am so secure as a straight male that I can wear a shirt like that. Because my sexual orientation is not determined by what I wear, drink, eat, or because I prefer to go to art museums rather than play sports. I will wear that shirt as a straight man to prove to the ignorant people out there that humanity in general is more important than a human’s sexual orientation.
I’m off to be a real man. I’m off to think. I’m off to learn. I’m off to read. I’m off to take a shower, and smell nice and look great. I’m off to sing a little. I’m off to have a drink- maybe even an alcoholic one that is pink. I’m off to be sensitive and shed a tear once and a while.
I’m off to be a real man. Sorry if that confuses you.
Posted by Naytin at 12:27 PM
Let me give some background: My senior year of high school I decided to go to college to get a bachelor’s of musical theatre performance. I wanted to be an actor and perform in musicals for my life. I was pretty talented at it. Yet, the rumors at the time were that a lot of gay people did musicals. I didn’t really know any gays in high school. We assumed one kid was so we made fun of him-I painfully regret that. But on this particular day, I was walking down a staircase from a classroom on the third floor to the first; it took about two minutes. While walking down the stairs I started thinking, “Hmm, I wonder if I’ll be gay one day. Since most actors are gay, and I want to be an actor, does that mean I’ll just turn gay sometime?” I debated this down the stairs. Once I reached the bottom of the steps I had this realization: “Wait, no, I’m straight. I won’t be gay.” The end. I’ve been straight ever since.
And so I, as a straight male, worked in a business in which I was a minority. I didn’t mind it really. And through all these years a lot of people have judged my sexual orientation.
While working as an actor the mantra was, “gay until proven straight.” So few straight men in the business, you just assumed everyone was gay. I was fine with that.
When I would go to gay bars with my gay friends it was if I had a neon sign above my head that flashed “Straight! Straight!” I was fine with that.
Now that I am in seminary and seem to be in this weird Christian bubble, people think I’m gay. I not fine with this.
People judging my sexual orientation has never bothered me before. I don’t mind if people think I’m gay, it usually means they think I dress stylish. It’s a compliment. But lately, I have met people who think I’m gay for stupid reasons. And most of these people are Christians. It seems as if people think I’m gay because I dress nice, or because I wear pink, or have a purple wall in my apartment, or because I condition my hair and pluck my eyebrows, or I am comfortable hanging out in a gay bar, or prefer museums to sports. (I know, that does sounds a bit gay)
Since when do we judge a person’s sexual orientation by one’s choice of clothing, or by one’s choice of decorating, or by one’s vanity, or by one’s choice of nightlife? Seriously, why do we do this?
I am getting tired of these assumptions from Christians. Even Christian women I have dated in the last couple years have thought I have been gay prior to knowing me. I’m tired of people making ignorant assumptions based off of social constructs. I’m tired of these gender roles that say men spit, swear and don’t wash themselves or cry, that dirt under their nails and having no sense of fashion is a requirement for masculinity.
So I pluck my eyebrows. Does that make me gay? No, that makes me have really nice eyebrows, stupid. So I condition my hair. Does that make me gay? No, that means I have really nice locks, stupid. So I like purple as a wall color. Does that make me gay? No, that makes my apartment look real nice, stupid.
I really don’t care if you think I’m gay or not. I know I am straight. I know I am a man. My sexual orientation, whether gay or straight, does not make me less of one. Fixing my car and getting greasy or dancing in a ballet does not add or subtract to my masculinity. What you think about whom I sleep with or to whom I am attracted doesn’t matter to me at all. I’m sorry if you’re not secure enough about your own gender identity that you are confused by me, a straight male, who happens to be a little bit of a princess.
What bothers me are you ignorant Christians who make assumptions about my sexual orientation because you have yet to meet a man who is so secure in his identity. And not a gay or straight identity but strictly an identity. I’m sorry if that sounds vain and egotistical, but I’m that secure. Or as one of my friends puts it, “Real men know how to THINK. Any monkey can push, pull and hit things.” And I think, a lot.
Christian, do you really think I’m gay because I wear pink? Do you really think I’m gay because my apartment is clean and nicely decorated? Do you really think I’m gay because I don’t play sports? Do you really think plucking my eyebrows makes me gay? So I’m a bit vain, does that make you think I want to kiss other men? If so, I don’t get you! Maybe it’s because you don’t know any gay people? You need to get out of your Christian bubble and meet some people. Perhaps if some of you actually had a good friend who was gay you wouldn’t make such stupid assumptions.
I was in Thailand last week. Even a Thai woman thought I was gay. (I guess it’s worldwide) She said it was because I was afraid of spiders and didn’t have a girlfriend. So as a joke, a buddy of mine bought me a t-shirt that says, “Sorry ladies, I’m gay!” I am going to wear it.
But Nathan, you’re straight, why would you wear that, you ask? Because gender roles have to change. Because you shouldn’t be judging my sexual orientation by a t-shirt. Because I am so secure as a straight male that I can wear a shirt like that. Because my sexual orientation is not determined by what I wear, drink, eat, or because I prefer to go to art museums rather than play sports. I will wear that shirt as a straight man to prove to the ignorant people out there that humanity in general is more important than a human’s sexual orientation.
I’m off to be a real man. I’m off to think. I’m off to learn. I’m off to read. I’m off to take a shower, and smell nice and look great. I’m off to sing a little. I’m off to have a drink- maybe even an alcoholic one that is pink. I’m off to be sensitive and shed a tear once and a while.
I’m off to be a real man. Sorry if that confuses you.
Posted by Naytin at 12:27 PM
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